Signals: Decoding the Hidden Drivers of Human Behaviour and Relationships
The Noise and the Signal
Have you ever wondered why we do the things we do, or why the people around us seem to act in ways that don’t align with what they say they want? In a world overflowing with distractions, curated personas, and conflicting narratives, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s really driving our behaviours. Here’s the thing: our actions and intentions are communicated externally as signals—overt messages we send out, consciously or unconsciously, that often reflect deeper needs, desires, or fears.
“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
For the past three years, this concept has lived as a loose book draft. The idea was born from my fascination with the interplay of human behaviour, biology, and culture. This concept was created where most of my ideas occur—whilst out running trails. Nature is where I draw my inspiration and where my ideas and creativity run wild, linking concepts and ideas, like a symbiotic ecology. The challenge that I have is, the further I run, the more ideas flow through—the task is holding onto them until I can note everything down. The trails are a place of solace and flow for me, and the interconnected patterns of nature always ground me back into what is real.
I’ve long felt that merely addressing the symptomatic level—the signals—is like putting fresh paint on a termite-infested house. We need to look deeper, understanding the underlying systems at play. Perhaps, I’ll write the book someday; however, there seems to be a pressing need to offer perspective on the challenges of communication breakdowns in relationships, disconnection, and the broader societal issues of rising divorce rates and declining birth rates across the developed world. If we hope to work towards balance and harmony, we must better model these dynamics for our children and generations to come.
Truth is rarely simple– especially when it involves humans. Too often, we find ourselves locked into a single perspective, convinced it’s the only valid one. Between contrasting views, which are often divisive, there’s truth to be found—not in absolute terms, but enough to point toward a middle ground where something closer to objective reality often emerges.
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others.”
This article serves as a foundation for future explorations, digging into the nuances of human behaviour and relationships in a series that aims to respect differing perspectives while uncovering the universal principles that connect them. By returning to foundational truths and observing human nature, biology, and behaviour, we can begin to understand these dynamics without the distortion of ideology or conflation. From this grounded perspective, we can engage with truth in its most honest and meaningful form.
Let’s explore deeper, decoding the signals we communicate to uncover their true meaning and what they reveal about our nature. I must warn you, though—some of the principles and perspectives explored here may resonate deeply but also challenge your level of comfort. In other words, reader beware: treacherous trails ahead.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: A Model for Human Motivation
At the core of human behaviour lies a fundamental truth: our actions are often driven by our needs. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs provides a timeless framework for understanding these motivations, presenting them as a pyramid with five tiers.
Each level builds upon the one below it, starting with basic physiological necessities and moving up through higher-order needs to the pursuit of self-actualisation. By recognising our fundamental needs as the drivers of behaviour, we gain the context necessary to decode the signals we send and to explore the themes woven throughout this article.
Physiological Needs: The foundation of the pyramid, these are the essentials for survival: food, water, shelter, and sleep. Without these, our focus cannot shift to higher pursuits.
Safety Needs: Once our physiological needs are met, we seek security and stability. This includes physical safety, financial security, and a stable environment.
Love and Belonging: Humans are inherently social beings. We crave connection, acceptance, and relationships that provide a sense of belonging—whether through friendships, family, or romantic partnerships.
Esteem Needs: At this level, the focus shifts to self-respect and the respect of others. We seek recognition, accomplishment, and a sense of worth.
Self-Actualisation: The pinnacle of the pyramid represents the desire to achieve one’s full potential. This involves personal growth, creativity, and the pursuit of meaningful goals.
While Maslow’s hierarchy offers a structured view of human motivation, it isn’t a straight, gradual climb to the top. Life is too complex for that. Instead, we shift between levels, responding to circumstances that pull us up or down the pyramid. Understanding this hierarchy provides a valuable lens for understanding the signals we communicate, consciously or unconsciously—whether a cry for connection, a need for safety, or the need to validate our worth.
“Man is a perpetually wanting animal.”
By recognising where we are in the hierarchy, we can begin to act with greater clarity and intention, aligning our behaviours with our deepest values. This awareness offers not just insight into ourselves but also empathy for others navigating their own needs and motivations.
Question: Are your signals aligned with your current needs, or are you projecting something you’ve yet to attain?
Signals as Symptoms: The Mismatch Between Signal and Needs
Our actions often tell a story we might not even realise we’re sharing. From curated perfection on social media to the subtle ways we present ourselves in daily life, these signals frequently point to deeper, unspoken needs. Yet, they’re not always aligned with our conscious intentions, motives or desires.
The ideas explored here may be challenging to digest. They ask us to confront parts of ourselves that don’t always align with the personas we present to the world. Awareness of our signals often exposes uncomfortable truths—truths that reveal vulnerabilities we’d rather keep hidden. There’s a natural fear of this exposure. To acknowledge the signals we send requires taking ownership of them, and with ownership comes accountability: the responsibility to reflect, adapt, and grow. This is no small task. It demands the courage to face our imperfections and the commitment to grow. This isn’t about achieving perfection but rather striving for excellence—taking steps toward alignment with our values and intentions, even as we acknowledge the flaws that make us human.
Complicating matters further, we’ve been shaped by idyllic narratives sold to us by Hollywood, Disney, and other cultural storytellers. These stories resonate deeply because they reflect our core desires for love, connection, and success. Yet, they create unrealistic expectations by presenting life as a neatly packaged plot with a guaranteed happily-ever-after. When our experiences don’t match these stories, the result is often disillusionment and dissatisfaction. Real relationships are dynamic, filled with friction and challenges that don’t make for glamorous cinema but are essential to genuine connection. This gap between idealised expectations and reality leaves us ill-equipped to navigate the complexities of real life, fostering disappointment and making meaningful connection more elusive.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”
Adding to this, modern society’s focus on self-promotion intensifies the pressures. Throughout history, humans have signalled value and status, but today, we are more self-focused and self-critical than ever. Front-facing cameras and endless self-portraits drive a level of self-consciousness previously unseen. This relentless inward focus amplifies feelings of inadequacy, feeding a cycle of comparison and discontent.
Feelings Aren’t Facts: They Have Purpose but Are Not Always Trustworthy
Feelings aren’t facts. Yet, they have a profound ability to shape our motivations, acting as an internal compass that directs our actions, words, and thoughts. They serve as signals from within, alerting us to needs, fears, or desires that we might not fully recognise or understand. Some feelings, like joy or love, draw us closer to connection, while others, like fear or anger, propel us toward self-preservation.
In this sense, feelings function as catalysts—igniting a chain reaction that shapes the signals we project to the world. It’s sequential: a stimulus triggers a feeling, the feeling fuels motivation, and that motivation drives the signal we send. But here’s the challenge: while feelings can guide us, they’re not always reliable interpreters. They can exaggerate, distort, or even mislead us, particularly when filtered through unresolved experiences, unconscious biases, societal paradigms, or cultural ideologies.
Not all feelings are negative; all feelings serve a purpose. However, we can’t always trust them due to our life experiences, childhood modelling, or even biological factors like hormonal shifts. Consider the chemical cocktail of hormones early in a romantic relationship. This intoxicating mix can cloud our discernment, making us trade desired values in a partner for the allure of connection or the primal drive for procreation. These forces operate beyond our conscious control, reminding us that while feelings can be profound, they must be examined critically.
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Question: Are your emotions reflecting the present situation accurately, or could they be shaped by past experiences or external pressures?
Hormones in the Driver’s Seat: Biology Precedes Cognition
Men and women are fundamentally different in ways that go beyond cultural narratives, rooted in biology and shaped by millions of years of evolution (here comes another community standard violation). For clarity, consider our closest primate relatives: studies reveal that female chimps naturally engage in nurturing behaviours, such as carrying objects like dolls, while males are more inclined to engage in rough and tumble play or disassemble objects. Male chimps didn’t learn their differences because someone handed them a toy truck—these behaviours stem from innate, sex-based differences. Understanding the interplay between biology and social conditioning is key to untangling primal instincts from learned behaviours and learning to work with our nature rather than against it.
“It is not the things themselves that trouble us, but our opinions about them.”
Let’s get real about something most people don’t want to acknowledge: hormones have a much bigger say in our behaviour than we’d like to admit. Testosterone, for example, drives men toward focus, action, achievement, and—yes—a deep biological attraction to beauty, youth, and fertility. Like it or not, this isn’t about morality; it’s about biology. The idea that men should just ‘look away’ from attractive women ignores the reality of millions of years of evolutionary programming.
The truth is, women are equally shaped by these biological imperatives, though they manifest differently. Women seek attention—but it’s selective. We crave it when it aligns with our sense of safety and our innate drive for hypergamy (the pursuit of a partner with greater resources or status). Attention that triggers safety alarm bells or conflicts with our deeper motivations becomes unwelcome. Again, the underlying need isn’t rooted in morality. However, when our primal drivers go unexamined, and we signal without conscious reasoning, those behaviours can spiral into deeply immoral territory. Add to this the capitalisation and manufacturing of signals with hidden or exploitative motives, and it’s no surprise that trust and connection often become casualties of modern dynamics.
Oestrogen, for instance, fuels behaviours centred on connection, nurturing, and—yes—competition. While society often downplays this, women compete in different ways. The drive for beauty, social status, and being “the best” often stems from primal desires for safety and resource acquisition. Historically, being chosen as ‘the best’ meant survival and security. Today, this drive persists, whether it’s competing for likes, social validation, or potential mates (or all three).
Our primary biological goal as a species is to continue the lineage, like any other animal. We may think we’re too clever for nature—that science or technology can override these drives—but nature always finds a way.
Question: Are there areas in your life where societal narratives clash with your personal experiences of biology and behaviour?
Social Media and the Noise of Modern Signalling: The Search for Validation
Social media has turned what used to be subtle, instinctive signals into a full-blown spectacle. Think about this: when someone posts heavily filtered photos, gym selfies, or a picture of themselves driving a Ferrari (that may or may not be theirs), is it just about sharing a moment, or is there something deeper at play? Often, what we’re seeing is a signal for validation, connection, esteem, or love—needs that might be unmet but are being expressed through curated perfection.
“We are living in an attention economy and social media is addictive by design.”
Social media has amplified these behaviours, creating an overwhelming and often confusing landscape of signals. In this digital arena, the line between genuine self-expression and curated performance blurs, leaving us questioning not only the signals we’re receiving from others but the underlying intentions behind those we send as well.
Our signals often come with a cost. The trade-off between the need and the action—the signal—leads to fleeting validation. We post, we curate, we signal, and for a moment, we feel seen. But these vacuous hits of validation are short-lived, boosting us up just before the inevitable crash. When the likes fade, the comments stop, and our content disappears from people’s feeds, we’re left feeling emptier than before. And so, we chase the next hit.
This cycle isn’t just about social media; it reflects a deeper longing for engagement and connection. We crave relationships that meet us at a profound level, but instead, we settle for the quick fix, over and over again. It’s a pattern that perpetuates itself, leaving our deeper needs unmet while keeping us locked in a loop of superficial validation.
Our digital habits often reinforce the very disconnect we’re trying to overcome.
To truly understand these behaviours, we must delve into the forces driving them—our biology, psychology, and the ever-evolving social context.
Reflection Exercise: Reflect on your last few posts. Were they authentic expressions, or were they attempts to signal something specific (e.g., status, desirability, duress etc.)?
Weaponised Words and Emotional Manipulation: Fear in Disguise
When words become weapons, they often mask a deeper fear. A woman withholding affection, criticising, or using manipulation isn’t necessarily ‘just being difficult’; these behaviours are signals of a struggle to feel safe, valued, or loved. At the same time, they can serve another purpose: to disempower. By gaining control over a situation, a person might feel they are reclaiming a sense of safety and agency in their relationships. While these behaviours can be damaging, understanding their origins fosters compassion—both for ourselves and others. Crucially, bringing these underlying motivations to light creates an opportunity for acknowledgement, responsibility, and accountability, paving the way for healthier connections.
The same applies to men, though their tools may look different. A man retreating into silence, deflecting with anger, or asserting dominance to regain control isn’t simply “being stubborn, silent, or aggressive.” These behaviours are signals—expressions of fear, insecurity, rejection, or, critically for men, a response to feeling disrespected. Both men and women, shaped by their biology and experiences, react to fear in ways intended to protect themselves, yet these reactions often create greater distance and erode connection.
These patterns often stem from past experiences. Perhaps trust was broken, hurt was endured, or behaviours were modelled in childhood that shaped their approach to connection. These patterns don’t always remain confined to a single relationship; they can become habitual, appearing in every interaction. Recognising these recurring patterns is challenging, but it’s the essential first step toward meaningful change. For any relationship to endure, both individuals must be willing to identify their own patterned behaviours that contribute to conflict. This involves taking responsibility without placing blame on the other and holding themselves accountable for addressing the underlying need or fear driving their reactivity.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”
I’m not saying this is easy, but it comes down to a choice: how much peace and joy do you want in your relationships and your life? The way you act—your willingness to reflect and respond intentionally—will shape the outcomes of your relationships with others and, most importantly, with yourself.
Question: What patterns in your relationships might be signals of unresolved fears or unmet needs?
The Language of Behaviour: Signals and Their Underlying Needs
Every behaviour we exhibit sends a signal, whether intentional or not. While these signals don’t provide absolute answers, they offer threads to follow—clues that can lead us to the unmet needs driving our actions. When we move from judgement to curiosity and genuine compassion, the mutual benefits are profound. You can forge deep connections that might have once seemed impossible, conserve energy by letting go of complaints about others’ behaviours, and, who knows, even make some new friends while discovering just how truly fascinating people are.
Let’s take a look at some common behaviours that show up as signals, along with the underlying unmet needs they may represent:
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Signal: Indirect expression of frustration or anger through sarcasm, procrastination, or subtle digs.
Need: Respect and self-worth—an inability to assert boundaries leads to covert attempts to reclaim power or recognition.
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Signal: Withdrawing communication to punish or express displeasure.
Need: Control or safety—used to regain a sense of stability or express unspoken emotions without vulnerability.
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Signal: Over-accommodating others, avoiding conflict at all costs.
Need: Safety and security—fear of rejection or conflict leads to behaviours aimed at maintaining harmony.
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Signal: Seeking approval by prioritising others’ needs over your own.
Need: Love and belonging—desire for connection and acceptance drives this behaviour.
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Signal: Apologising excessively, even for things beyond your control.
Need: Belonging and safety—driven by a fear of upsetting others or being excluded.
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Signal: Providing excessive detail to explain decisions or behaviours.
Need: Safety and belonging—driven by fear of being misunderstood or judged.
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Signal: Reacting to feedback with justification or blame-shifting.
Need: Esteem—a desire to protect self-worth or avoid feelings of inadequacy.
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Signal: Avoiding tasks or delaying responsibilities.
Need: Safety or esteem—fear of failure or perfectionism can drive avoidance.
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Signal: Expressing frustration, anger, or sadness in disproportionate ways.
Need: Expression and validation—an unprocessed need for emotional release or to feel heard.
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Signal: Avoiding negative emotions or dismissing others’ struggles with overly optimistic responses.
Need: Safety or belonging—a way to avoid discomfort or maintain social harmony.
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Signal: Highlighting problems without seeking solutions.
Need: Connection or validation—a way to gain attention or emotional support.
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Signal: Avoiding decisions or confrontation, “going with the flow” even to personal detriment.
Need: Safety—fear of making the wrong choice or creating conflict often underlies passivity.
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Signal: Cutting off contact abruptly.
Need: Safety or avoidance—often driven by fear of confrontation or emotional discomfort.
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Signal: Controlling every detail, often to an extreme degree.
Need: Safety and security—a need for predictability or fear of failure leads to over-control.
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Signal: Frequently highlighting achievements, material possessions, or status.
Need: Esteem—seeking external validation to feel worthy or significant.
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Signal: Creating dramatic situations or exaggerating stories to draw focus.
Need: Connection and esteem—a longing for recognition and affirmation.
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Signal: Constantly referencing wealth, possessions, or professional accomplishments.
Need: Esteem and belonging—a desire to gain recognition, respect, or acceptance within a group.
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Signal: Constantly taking on tasks or working excessively.
Need: Esteem and worthiness—seeking validation through achievement and productivity.
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Signal: Buying things impulsively or beyond financial means.
Need: Esteem or belonging—using material goods to fill emotional voids or gain social validation.
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Signal: Soothing emotional discomfort, filling a perceived void/ emptiness, or coping with stress.
Need: Physiological and Love and Belonging— Addressing unmet basic needs for nourishment or comfort. Using food as a replacement for connection or emotional support.
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Signal: Numbing emotional pain, escaping stress, or seeking social acceptance.
Need: Safety and Security and Love and Belonging— Escaping stress or instability. Seeking connection or avoiding rejection in social settings. A desire for emotional regulation, stress relief, connection, or a sense of belonging.
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Signal: Attempting to escape reality, self-medicate pain, or seek heightened experiences.
Need: Physiological and Esteem Needs— A craving for relief from emotional or physical pain, novelty, or control over uncontrollable circumstances. Searching for self-worth or a sense of achievement through altered states.
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Signal: Using physical force to dominate, harm, or control others.
Need: Safety and control—a response to fear, perceived threat, or a need to re-establish a sense of power in an environment that feels unpredictable or unsafe.
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Signal: Insulting, shouting, or belittling others.
Need: Esteem, recognition and safety—a reaction to fear, insecurity or a need to assert dominance when feeling threatened, undervalued or disrespected.
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Signal: Inflicting harm on oneself through cutting, burning, or other methods.
Need: Connection and release—an attempt to express internal pain, regain control, or seek comfort in the absence of emotional validation or support.
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Signal: Deliberately damaging or destroying property.
Need: Expression and validation—a way to externalise internal chaos, anger, or frustration in a bid to be noticed or understood.
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Signal: Repeated actions or thoughts that feel uncontrollable, such as compulsive cleaning or organising.
Need: Safety and control—a response to anxiety or uncertainty, seeking to create order in a perceived chaotic environment.
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Signal: Engaging in excessive physical activity, often beyond healthy limits.
Need: Esteem and self-worth—a pursuit of validation, approval, or a sense of accomplishment, often tied to body image or achievement.
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Signal: Insistence on strict routines, rules, or predictability.
Need: Safety and stability—a coping mechanism to feel secure in an unpredictable or overwhelming world.
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Signal: Engaging in dangerous activities such as reckless driving, substance use, or thrill-seeking.
Need: Stimulation and autonomy—a way to counteract boredom, prove independence, or escape feelings of stagnation or confinement.
This list of examples is not intended to label, criticise, or judge—far from it. Instead, it’s an invitation to bring awareness and understanding, and to extend compassion to what others may be silently struggling with. For example, it’s easy to roll our eyes at the overly grandiose person who belittles others, dismissing their behaviour as arrogance or self-importance. Yet, such behaviours may stem from unmet needs for self-worth or recognition.
Similarly, in cases of attention or behavioural challenges, there is often a rush—whether by individuals or institutions—to label these struggles as conditions like ADHD and address them with stimulants. Medications may boost dopamine and noradrenaline levels, helping regulate focus, impulse control, and motivation, and in turn, reduce the symptoms associated with ADHD. However, they don’t address the underlying question: Why is there a deficiency in the first place?
Let’s take a moment to explore ADHD and similar conditions that stem from neurotransmitter imbalances and nervous system dysregulation. Neurotransmitters, the brain’s chemical messengers, play a crucial role in regulating mood, focus, and behaviour. When these messengers—like dopamine and noradrenaline—are deficient or disrupted, it can lead to conditions like ADHD, which we often diagnose based on clusters of behavioural symptoms.
A caveat here: Whilst I fully acknowledge the challenges these conditions present, the rapid rise in diagnoses in recent years is, to say the least, alarming. This surge seems to coincide with the introduction of smartphones and the growing influence of platforms like Instagram and TikTok, where self-diagnosis has become alarmingly popular. Psychology, at times, risks being reduced to a quick online quiz, fuelling over-identification and potentially masking deeper, underlying causes.
Chronic stress, trauma, or an overactive sympathetic nervous system can deplete these neurotransmitters, leading to nervous system dysregulation and the very symptoms we diagnose as ADHD. By focusing only on the deficiency, we miss the opportunity to understand and resolve the root causes driving the behaviour.
Consider this: an overactive sympathetic nervous system—our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response—can also temporarily increase the secretion of dopamine and noradrenaline, masking the underlying deficiencies. In a world where stress is constant, whether from the turmoil in our lives or the endless stream of content on our screens, is it any wonder that so many people are living with dysregulated nervous systems? By asking these deeper questions—not just addressing the symptoms but uncovering the root causes—we can shift from reaction to understanding, creating a pathway toward genuine connection, healing, and growth.
“Everything in excess is opposed to nature.”
It’s also worth noting that many behaviours and traits on this list can be virtuous and desirable in the right context. However, balance is key; even the most positive qualities, when taken to excess, can have unintended consequences.
Question: What behaviours do you recognise in yourself on this list? Are they in balance or excess?
Aligning Words and Actions: The Art of Authentic Signalling
So, what can we do? First, we need to become aware of the signals we’re sending and the needs driving them. Are our actions aligned with our values? Are we building a life that feels meaningful, or are we chasing superficial validation?
Second, we need to foster deeper communication. Instead of assuming the worst about others’ signals, we can ask: What need might this be expressing? How can I respond with empathy instead of judgement? It’s important to note that empathy doesn’t mean tolerating abusive or harmful behaviours. If you’re in a dangerous situation, or if you’re trying to resolve deep-seated issues with someone unwilling to take responsibility for their actions or behaviours—and you have reflected, acknowledged, and taken responsibility for the part you play in the dynamic (after all, relationships are a two-person dance)—don’t stick around to find out how the story ends.
“When you find yourself on the wrong train, don’t hesitate to get off at the very first stop. The longer you stay on, the further you’ll drift from where you’re meant to be, and the journey back will only grow more difficult—and much more expensive.”
Finally, we need to model healthy signalling for future generations. This means embracing authenticity, valuing connection over perfection, and challenging the cultural narratives that keep us stuck in cycles of disconnection. It’s easy to become consumed with providing children with the finest material goods and education, but the most valuable gift is an environment where strong, collaborative relationships are modelled. When children see conflicts resolved maturely and amicably, it shapes their nervous systems, emotional behaviours, and ability to foster healthy interpersonal relationships throughout their lives.
“Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.”
Closing Reflections: Embracing Authenticity in Connection
Signals are the language of our needs and desires, whether we’re conscious of them or not.
They’re how we communicate with the world, but they’re often distorted by fear, insecurity, and societal pressures.
By understanding the deeper truths behind our signals, we can begin to bridge the gap between what we seek and what we achieve.
“What you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”
Authenticity and understanding are the foundations of meaningful relationships. This is just the beginning of a broader conversation—a conversation about what it means to be human, to love, to compete, and to grow in a world that often feels at odds with our nature.
What’s Next? A Deeper Dive into Human Signals
This article is just the beginning of a series that will delve deeper into the themes introduced here. Future pieces will uncover more about the truths that shape our relationships, behaviours, and sense of self.
Thanks for coming along on this journey. It’s been a long one with plenty of winding trails—so well done if you made it to the end!
If this resonated with you, consider subscribing for more insights delivered straight to your inbox. And if a particular topic sparked your curiosity, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Lisa x
